Month: February 2014

  • Early Beginnings of Shame

    Infancy is a minefield of shame stimuli. Your impressionable mind is a sponge for meaning – and invents meanings for things all the time, even if it means that you’re to blame for something that’s not your fault. Which is often convenient for the shame-ridden adults.

  • Shame Identities – how you don’t want to be seen

    Before you even get a chance to know who you are, you’ve been set up with a lot of “don’t be this – don’t do that” shame triggers. “Confident people are arrogant!” “Don’t talk!” “Relaxing is laziness!” Thanks again, childhood programming! I’ll share some examples of common shame-zoned traits.

  • Shame makes you feel overwhelmed

    That feeling where it feels like everything is scratching away at you, life becomes a constant firefight, and you long to just “unwind”. What would that even take, these days? The idea seems ever-elusive, because you’re overwhelmed.

  • Shame Stimuli in Adulthood

    Well, life is just ram-packed with shame-stimuli. As well as figuring out who you are and what you really want to do with your life, you have to juggle the demands of a social life, relationships, housing, maintenance, a career, hobbies, finances, family, travel, appearances and health. There’s plenty to remind you that you’re not…

  • Learn your Shame Triggers (the causes)

    Shame triggers are the moments that cause you to feel shame – which might manifest as anger, fear, nerves, or just feeling rubbish about yourself. Here are some examples to get you going:

  • Shame creates defensiveness

    Isn’t defensiveness one of the most frustrating traits to deal with? When you know you’re right – but despite making sound, reasonable, logical and compelling arguments, you get a bunch of irrational, angry nonsense back instead! Once you understand where it comes from, you might look at it in a different way. See how many of…

  • Advertising, Marketing & Media

    You’re a schmuck unless you drive a car like this. You won’t be attractive to the right partner, unless you spray this scent on yourself. People will do anything to avoid feeling shame. Which is why advertisers love to use the fear of shame as a motivator. This is why we’re bombarded daily by advertising telling us how imperfect we are.

  • Shame and anxious avoidance

    Shame is great at protecting you from situations which threaten to expose those murky scary feelings. Being late for appointments, not making eye contact with people, not wanting to go to social events, losing your ability to “be yourself” when around new people. It genuinely terrifies me how powerful, and life-crippling this effect is!

  • Shame creates silence and secrecy

    People love to talk about themselves – but how often do we really open up to our selves, our vulnerabilities or insecurities?

  • Find your Shame Identities (the conflicts)

    Shame identities are slightly different to shame triggers. They’re the traits you’ve been taught in childhood to associate with shame, that you can’t help but wander into – personality traits, or things like success, wealth or beauty.